My Dad is Engaged

I’m not sure if you know this, but my dad has been divorced for like three whole hours and now he’s engaged again. In all seriousness, he has honestly been single for probably two months and he’s ready to take the plunge again. I can’t believe we are even related. I’m more of a cat in relationships; I don’t like getting wet, much less plunging into anything. (Please insert tons of naughty jokes here using the word wet…as soon as I wrote that last line I knew my perverted friends would start formulating their racy comments) I can’t commit after 5, 8 and 10 months, and my dad has literally been on 5 dates with this girl, and he’s ready to tie the knot again. I want to say something is wrong with me, but who am I kidding- my dad is a freak!

I found out because I got a frantic phone call from my sister Fran telling me to check my email. On it, was this picture. It is my dad’s new girlfriend showing off her humongous engagement ring.

I know the following facts about my new soon-to-be mommy:

1. She is 45. My dad is 55, so this doesn’t seem like a mid-life crisis decision.
   
2. She has lived in Utah her whole life. I don’t know if y’all know anything about Utah, but being 45 and single in Utah is like being 75 and single here. No one, unless you are riddled with issues or riddled with acne and love handles, waits till they are 45 to get married in Utah. I’m considered a spinster there and I'm only 29.
3. She is virgin. I know that I shouldn’t know this fact, but I do. My dad is a chronic over-sharer. I don’t know what the age is when being a virgin goes from “wow, I’m so proud of you for holding out for the right man” to “Gosh, you must have some serious issues and/or no libido,” but I’m sure that 40 years-old may be the virgin limit (and that is being VERY generous!)
4. She is already trying to dress my dad like a douchebag. She bought him several dress shirts that feature golden dragons and Chinese symbols on the shoulders and back. I feel I should reiterate that my dad is 55 and has 5 children. He doesn’t need to be wearing anything with dragons on it or anything that shows off his chest and arms.
5. She is very sweet and seems really nice. She told me the engagement story and started crying. This was the moment when I knew my dad wouldn’t be sensitive enough for her. She tried to turn into his shoulder, so we wouldn’t see her crying mid-story. My dad promptly put both hands on her shoulders, turned her around to face us all teary-eyed, and made her finish the story.My dad is a nice guy, but he's never been that sensitive or "aware" of things.
6. She just sent me a “cute commercial” that featured a baby driving a car to the beach. I’m certain that I’ll get some more that have puppies and kittens doing cute things in them later this week.

I’m working on being accepting. I keep reminding myself that there is NO WAY she could be worse than my last step-mom of 13 years. We lovingly referred to her as the Megabeast.

I’ll be posting wedding pictures come December, so be on the look out for them.