Something Old...New...Crotchless...Blue

I went to my dad’s fiancé’s bridal shower this past Saturday. My sister, Laura, and I had no idea what to bring this woman that we’ve only met a handful of times. It was also a little odd because we didn’t know if this was a lingerie shower or not. Should we bring a crockpot or something sexier? Laura and I joked about showing up with a corset or some crotchless panties. (side note: how disgusting does the term “crotchless panties” sound? “Panties” is such a pretty word, but when you add “crotchless,” it just makes it sound gross.) We laughed, thinking about how awkward it would be for our new step-mommy to have us there at a lingerie shower. I could just see her virginal face looking at us horrified as she opened up edible body paint and lacy thongs. In my daydream, I yelled out really inappropriate comments like, “Get some,” and “I bet my dad will teach you so much!”

Anyway, it turned out to be a crockpot kind of shower, and I was too chicken to bring her anything more scandalous than a cookbook and photo album.

Needing Normalcy

It has been a while since I’ve had a bad date, so I was probably due. After the broken rib, I’ve kind of petered out on the dating front. However, a couple of weeks ago I met a really cool girl at the gym who wanted to set me up with her brother. I said, Why not, and threw caution to the wind.

The brother, we’ll call him Jack, picked me up on time, took me to an amazing restaurant in Park City, and was just as cute as the girl described. Sadly, it was a little bit of a painful evening due to my date’s inability to carry a conversation. I had to lug the conversation around like a broken-legged five-year-old for four whole hours. It hurt my soul to talk that much. One word answer to my questions left me grasping for more to say. I tried telling stories, but he would cut me off in the middle and ask some random question. It was horrible.

When the date was over, I assumed that I would just pull my usual maneuver and not call him if he ever called again. Jack waited the standard 3 days, called, and received no response. He then texted me that he put a bid on the house in area that he had been telling me about. I didn’t want to seem rude, so I replied congratulations. Jack texted back that actually the house he was buying was way far south, to which I replied, why would you want to live out there and not downtown. (I recognize that his “he texted” and then “I texted” conversation is getting really old fast, but remember that I now teach middle school. Keep running with me on this because it gets better…I promise) He then texted: Why would I want to live around those inbred fuckers?!
What? I was actually a little appalled that he had texted someone he’d only known four hours the phrase “inbred fuckers.” I didn’t know how to respond, so I just didn’t. Sadly, that hasn’t deterred him from continuing to appall me via text.

Here are the last two text messages I’ve received from this guy:

Wednesday: I voted for the Nigger! …kill me!

Thursday: Reminder- Shave your genitals cuz today is the last day for Bush!

If I get another text message, I’m going to have to ask him to never contact me again. I’m more than a little disturbed.

In the eloquent words of my Granny, “That boy ain’t right.” She was the same grandmother that taught me how to shoot a rifle, kept frozen snakes in her fridge, and posted pictures/articles of freak accidents on her fridge to remind us children what NOT to do. She knew what was and wasn't right, and I'm sure she would agree with me on my assessment of Jack. Gosh I miss her!

Anyway, the dry spell of normalcy continues.

Got Taste?

On my way to work I cover about 30 miles of highway. I pass dozens of billboards and have taken to overanalyzing them while driving down the road at 6am. I have my favorites though. There are quite a few marriage and family billboards that are so Utah that it hurts. Lots of them feature families playing in the backyard together or girls in really modest wedding dresses.

My favorite of all times is the "Got Autism?" one.
I tried to pull over and take a picture, but the shoulder of the road is too dangerous on our freeways here. I found a copy of it online though. The difference is that one that has been prominently displayed here in Utah says nothing about the link between milk and autism on it. The one here just has the sad bowl of Cheerios on it with no explanation. I've looked at it probably 50 times and I've never been able to figure out till now what the ad was for. Do autistic kids have sad cereal? Is breakfast a really hard time for those afflicted with autism? Is autism related somehow to Cheerios? I've come up with dozens of similar questions in a futile effort to figure out what the hell this ad was about.

I'm so happy that now I know, after looking it up online to post a picture on here, that autism is related to milk! Wait, that is just silly. Everyone I know drank milk growing up and they don't all have autism. My mom fed us whole milk, which is almost the same as drinking right from a cow's teat and not a single one of her six kids have autism. I'm calling BS.

PS- I'd like to state how much I hate all the copycat ads for everything that just use "Got __________" as their campaign. Really people? You have a whole team of professional advertising agents and you can't come up with one single NEW idea. There have been copycats of that ad since I was in middle school. I think that if an ad agency ever showed a group of paying execs an ad like that, they should be fired immediately for creative retardedness.

PSS- PETA is the one sponsoring this ad. I remember when someone told me that in the late 90's when everyone was buying up all the websites that a group of funny kids bought PETA.COM and made the website People Eating Tasty Animals. They had lots of pictures of people eating different tasty animals posted. Eventually, PETA either sued them or paid them off for the rights to the website.

PSSS- I know for a fact that some sick guy bought MORMON.COM early on and made it into a porn site. I remember trying to look up something about my church and the first page featured a picture of a fat, naked Santa Claus playing with his candy cane. I'm not sure what we had to pay to get he domain name back, but it was probably worth it.