Fish or cut Jailbait

Yesterday I heard two students talking about a court case in which one of the boys was supposed to testify. Hmmm Of course, I made the mistake of asking what the boy was called in to testify about. Then, much to my chagrin/amazement, the kid opened up. Apparently he has to testify because his next-door neighbor, single mom of 2 kids, seduced him (I'm sure it didn't take much). His parents found out about it by reading his journal and are pressing charges. WHAT!??!! I’m not sure what is more hilarious, the fact that boy fooled around with an old lady or that he keeps a journal. I want you to picture a nerdy, 14-year-old boy telling me this story, his forehead covered with pimples while wearing an Old Navy t-shirt and skinny jeans. I can’t imagine how lonely and depressed I’d have to be to find a teenage, neighbor boy cute. I would need to be in a DEEP, dark place that even Girl Scout Cookies and make outs with ex-boyfriends couldn’t pull me out of. (I can’t imagine there being a place this dark, but I’m sure it must exist…for some people.)

Since I’m a teacher, people always feel compelled to ask me questions like, “Do you ever find any of the boys you teach cute?” Really?! I feel insulted to even have to answer this question. First, what can a teenage boy offer me? I made-out with boys in high school and the memories aren’t anything that I’d like to relive. My high school make-outs are the basis for the definitions of the words AWKWARD, BUMBLING, and UNCOORDINATED. Second, I teach kids all day long. When I date someone, I’d like to be off duty. The reason why we all went through the awkward, bumbling, uncoordinated stages of making out was so we could learn how to do it properly. (I mean a variety of the things when I use the word properly. I’m not implying a hole-in-the-sheet missionary position here, though my granny would be pleased with that insinuation.) Lastly, is there anything less attractive than a teenage boy, especially a 14-year-old one?
Problems with teenage boys:
1. They remind me of a newborn giraffe trying to walk for the first time.
2. Most smell funky and are oily.
3. Their wallets only include a student id, a subway punch card, and a few crumpled dollar bills.
4. The coolest store they can think of is Spencer’s.
5. Peachfuzz on upper lips. Need I say more?


I would also like to note that this student of mine is a hero among his friends for the simple fact that he has lost is virginity to an older lady. He is not scarred and is way more popular now than he was before the incident or incidents. I’m sure you were all worried.

It's going to BEE exciting.

Yea, it's a horribly pun, but sometimes I can't help myself.

I just agreed to go on a date next week with a real live Beekeeper. Yes, that is his actual profession. I met him online and, of course, accepted a date.

Here is a photo that he has posted of himself on facebook:
If I can get a picture of myself in a bee keeper outfit, it will totally make my year.

How awesome is this going to bee?

Just Because It's Free...

I really need to learn the concept that just because it is free, doesn’t mean you have to take/accept/or sign up for it. I even had a guy ask me out once with the line, “It may not be the best date of your life, but at least it is a free dinner.” True to his word, it was at least a free meal.

I’m almost 30 and I still get excited when I get something for free. I am the type of person to take almost any sample off a tray in the mall or Costco or sign up for any possible giveaways. These types of behavior usually wind up giving me a stomachache or loads of junk mail being sent to my house. One would think that I would have learned my lesson by now, but not me; I love free.

I walked into the gym yesterday and I saw a short, Hispanic guy standing next to a massage chair. Since I go to a ghetto 24 Hour Fitness, this stood out as being out of place. I asked the guy at the front desk if we were upgrading the gym with a personal masseuse and he laughed. He said that the guy was giving away free 10-minute massages to drum up business for his company, and just like that, I was hooked. Did someone just say FREE?! Well, in that case…

I walked over and took my seat in the chair, excited for my free massage. I should have known it was going to be bad when the guy leaned down and whispered breathily in my year, “You want me make you massage, right?”
“Duh, why do you think I just sat down? Of course I want you to make me a massage!”
The guy’s cologne was almost as overwhelming as his breath. It reminded me of my 7th graders that have watched too many Axe commercials and believe that the more you wear, the more ladies you’re going to get.
Anyway, he then proceeded to “make” me a massage. He started by pinching me all over my back. I’ve never encountered this technique before, but it honestly felt like little fish were biting me everywhere. Then he proceeded to poke my muscles with his index fingers while saying, “If I make the pain, you me tell.” It felt like it was some sort of word problem, so I ignored it and tried desperately to get some enjoyment out of this “massage” I was getting. Finally, for the grand finale, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry, dis is my elbow,” as he stuck his elbow directly on my spine and made me yelp. It was painfully obvious by the end of the massage why the guy was giving them away for free.; my 3 year old nephew could give me a better massage. But that’s the problem with free; you can’t complain if it was free. Right?

Please share any good tales of “free” things you’ve gotten over the years.

Ahoy

I just got back from a cruise called Cayamo, A Journey Through Song. On the cruise there were such musical greats as Lyle Lovett, Patty Griffin, Indigo Girls, and Shawn Colvin. There were also a dozen other great artists and bands playing every day. It was amazing! Most people called the cruise Gayamo because of the overwhelming numbers of lesbians and gay couples on the boat. I was a little perturbed though because not a single woman hit on me. I'm not sure what this says, but I think it's bad and I need up up my gayme a little. (sorry again for the bad pun)

Here is a picture of me. This was the thing in the kiddie zone that shot water into the kiddie pool. There was some sort of dinosaur theme that went horribly awry when they designed the water guns to look like a dino bone. (Watch out little Johnny)

Whenever I saw a decent looking guy on the cruise I played a game with myself called Gay, Married, or with the band. Almost all guys could be lumped into one of these three categories.

Luckily, I did manage to find a cute boy to hang out with in the evenings. It was one of the few things that could tear me away from the 24 hour buffet and self-serve ice cream. My sisters are lame and managed to go to bed around 8pm every night, so I was left wandering the boat looking for fun. The one cute boy that didn’t fall into the above three categories confided in me that he had given up women for lent. I know what you’re all thinking, but I honestly don’t think he was gay or a hermaphrodite. My gadar has been up and running strong since my first failed attempt at tying the knot, and he didn’t fit the mold. Maybe he did really give up women for lent…or more likely, he has a girlfriend back home. Either way, he was at least good conversation, and I was bored. He also tried to feel me up towards the end of the cruise, but I had to remind him that you can’t skip first base and steal second; it just doesn’t work that way. Plus, I think God would be more appalled by a boob grab than a kiss, and he’s always watching us…kind of like a more judgmental Santa Claus that is keeping a naughty and nice list…but he lets us slide a little if we believe in him. Hmmm…that is a topic for another day.

My sister managed to capture the eye of the Australian Cruise Director. He was one of those guys that showers you with cheesy, dirtbaggy compliments until you want to hit him in the face. He told me that I should quit teaching and become a F*#@ingVictoria Secret Model. Then he told me that Texas women are loads hotter than other women and he always wanted a hot chick from the south. He heaped on dozens of other compliments in the span of like 5 minutes that made me feel uncomfortable. Luckily Laura was his real target, but sometimes it seemed like he was trying to work his game on both of us at the same time. I understand that a threesome is every guy’s fantasy, but don’t men realize that a threesome with your sister is called incest, which is a word that takes sex appeal right out of things for me. The last night of the cruise he tried to prove to us that he wasn’t “dodgy”, his word not mine, by drunk dialing his mum in Australia while on speakerphone. Apparently this was supposed to make him seem more credible. She didn’t pick up, which was probably a good thing.

All in all, the cruise was a big hit. I got a fabulous tan, listened to some rocking music, almost got felt up by a near stranger, read some trashy novels, and hung out with my sisters, mom, and cousins. It was just what I needed to face another few months in Utah without going stir-crazy.