Ahoy

I just got back from a cruise called Cayamo, A Journey Through Song. On the cruise there were such musical greats as Lyle Lovett, Patty Griffin, Indigo Girls, and Shawn Colvin. There were also a dozen other great artists and bands playing every day. It was amazing! Most people called the cruise Gayamo because of the overwhelming numbers of lesbians and gay couples on the boat. I was a little perturbed though because not a single woman hit on me. I'm not sure what this says, but I think it's bad and I need up up my gayme a little. (sorry again for the bad pun)

Here is a picture of me. This was the thing in the kiddie zone that shot water into the kiddie pool. There was some sort of dinosaur theme that went horribly awry when they designed the water guns to look like a dino bone. (Watch out little Johnny)

Whenever I saw a decent looking guy on the cruise I played a game with myself called Gay, Married, or with the band. Almost all guys could be lumped into one of these three categories.

Luckily, I did manage to find a cute boy to hang out with in the evenings. It was one of the few things that could tear me away from the 24 hour buffet and self-serve ice cream. My sisters are lame and managed to go to bed around 8pm every night, so I was left wandering the boat looking for fun. The one cute boy that didn’t fall into the above three categories confided in me that he had given up women for lent. I know what you’re all thinking, but I honestly don’t think he was gay or a hermaphrodite. My gadar has been up and running strong since my first failed attempt at tying the knot, and he didn’t fit the mold. Maybe he did really give up women for lent…or more likely, he has a girlfriend back home. Either way, he was at least good conversation, and I was bored. He also tried to feel me up towards the end of the cruise, but I had to remind him that you can’t skip first base and steal second; it just doesn’t work that way. Plus, I think God would be more appalled by a boob grab than a kiss, and he’s always watching us…kind of like a more judgmental Santa Claus that is keeping a naughty and nice list…but he lets us slide a little if we believe in him. Hmmm…that is a topic for another day.

My sister managed to capture the eye of the Australian Cruise Director. He was one of those guys that showers you with cheesy, dirtbaggy compliments until you want to hit him in the face. He told me that I should quit teaching and become a F*#@ingVictoria Secret Model. Then he told me that Texas women are loads hotter than other women and he always wanted a hot chick from the south. He heaped on dozens of other compliments in the span of like 5 minutes that made me feel uncomfortable. Luckily Laura was his real target, but sometimes it seemed like he was trying to work his game on both of us at the same time. I understand that a threesome is every guy’s fantasy, but don’t men realize that a threesome with your sister is called incest, which is a word that takes sex appeal right out of things for me. The last night of the cruise he tried to prove to us that he wasn’t “dodgy”, his word not mine, by drunk dialing his mum in Australia while on speakerphone. Apparently this was supposed to make him seem more credible. She didn’t pick up, which was probably a good thing.

All in all, the cruise was a big hit. I got a fabulous tan, listened to some rocking music, almost got felt up by a near stranger, read some trashy novels, and hung out with my sisters, mom, and cousins. It was just what I needed to face another few months in Utah without going stir-crazy.