My First Date in Salt Lake City

Last summer I was in Utah and regaled most of my friends with some of the best blind date stories. I was thinking that there was no way I could top my stories from last year. How many times do you get to meet someone that has had the hiccups for 8 straight years, or someone who obsessively strokes objects in the room and on tables? I felt that it just wouldn’t be possible to keep up with the stories from last summer, till I went on my very first date.

I was set up through a friend of a friend with someone described as cute, fun, and well connected. The person making the connection declared early on that it didn't have to be a date, merely an opportunity to meet someone that could show me the ropes in SLC and help me meet some cool friends. Okay okay…on with the meat.

We agreed to meet up after church. He showed up, picked me up in his car, said he needed to change out of church clothes, so we were going to his house. He clearly thought this was a date because he opened my car door and referred to the occasion as a date. Let me just skip ahead to the top 5 best parts of the outing.

1. He had mentioned that he had gone to “Dent School”. I assumed that this was how the cool kids referred to dental school. Doctors say that they went to med school and they mean medical school, right? I later learned that he actually meant dent school. He dropped out of college and went to school to learn how remove dents and scratches from cars. He has since moved up in the world and now sells used cars. I’d like to pretend that I’m not an elitist and could easily date a dent school graduate, but who are we kidding? I’m pickier than Ashley Olsen at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
2. The décor of the house was outstanding. It looked like a gay bachelor and his 90-year-old grandmother had equal input on all of the major choices. Plastic floral arrangements were in every room. Fake ivy hung from the walls and dripped over leather sofas with cream colored pillows. Dark marble floors were covered with throw rugs and on the walls hung alternate pictures of ships and motorcycles with pictures of fruit and vegetables. He had enough decorative candles, soaps, and potpourri bowls to put all of my great-aunts to shame. It was a hodgepodge of smells, including, but not limited to: cinnamon, orange, vanilla, cherry, and wet dog. It almost made me gag and singed my nose little. Prior to visiting his house, I had always maintained that cats were my worst allergy. I have since had to change my worst allergy from Mr. Wiskers to this boy’s house.
3. We went on a double date motorcycle ride. As you can see in the photo, this is no normal motorcycle; this is great custom job. The girl on the back of the other bike is a small, petite Asian girl. She has the body type designed to sit on the back of motorcycles. My date informed me that the bike wasn’t really meant for a passenger because it had no rear shocks and the seat was really small. I wish I would have gotten a photo of me on the bike behind him. I was so large on the back of this bike that I could have put my chin on the top of his head. My 36 length legs sat up so high that I had to tuck them under his armpits or sit in a contortionist version of a butterfly stretch. I didn’t think much on the missing shocks till we hit the pothole, and I almost was launched off the bike. Luckily, I could hold onto his shoulders for support, or if I slouched enough, I could get my arms under his armpits and fight for room with my legs. On the way home, I actually chipped a tooth hitting an unexpected pothole. I tried to take a picture of my tooth, but it didn’t show up on my camera.
4. Upon returning to the house, he said he wanted to show me his favorite room. The best room in the house was what he referred to as his weapon room. In this room sat an almost life-sized figurine of a gollum, troll-like figure holding a glowing orb. All around the scary creature were midevil weapons like swords with skulls as grips and battle axes. There were dragons and skulls on bookshelves and an assortment of knives. I was looking for the shackles on the wall when I turned around and saw him outfitting himself with some of the weapons to show them off. After some encouraging, I got him to allow me to take his picture with some of his weapons. It is truly priceless.
5. After the weapon room, we sat on his front porch and watched the sunset. The romance built as my date told me about his prior addiction to drugs and his long rehab process. He described in detail how things like pot, pain pills, and other barbiturates actually make him want to work harder and help him accomplish things in life. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this type of reaction to a cocktail of those substances, but who am I to question him? I was just a girl, sitting on a front porch swing, wondering when her date would stop talking. A simple girl contemplating why this guy didn’t go to tool school instead of dent school. A girl that wished she had brought her car, so that she could take herself home.