We don't luv dem hoes.

I woke up two days ago in Tahoe. The air was a crisp 75 degrees, the sun was shining, and the fires of California had put a nice, thick, misty-looking ash into the air. My hair smelled of campfire and my eyes were red with anticipation for what the day held in store. Sadly, my friend and host Marc was downstairs curled around the toilet after a long night at the bar. I sat drinking tea on the porch reflecting on what brought me to this place and moment in time. I had a sudden flashback from the previous night:

I was at some amazing mansion on the hill celebrating a stranger's birthday party and I met a DJ for a local bar. He asked if I would be a guest judge for a local dancing competition that took place around midnight. Of course I agreed, thinking my experience as a cheerleading sponsor had prepared me for events just like this.

I should have known when I later walked into the bar and saw a pole in the middle of the dance floor that this wasn't a cheerleading competition, but my desire for a good story took over. I picked up the judging sheets and agreed to judge a locals only pole dancing competition. The categories the girls would be judged on were Smile and Facial Expressions, Enthusiasm, Pole Work, Rhythm and Overall Performance.

Contestant #1- A short brunette in a jean skirt that looked like she just got off the lake. She started off on the pole and did one great spin move that showed everyone her granny panties. After that, she shimmied a little, shook her a-cups all over the floor and desperately tried to keep the beat. The only category I could honestly give her good point in was enthusiasm.

Contestant #2- A taller, kinky haired girl with an ass bigger than my own. She rode the pole like like there was going to be a belt buckle prize for the winner. After the pole was tired, she got off and did some amazing butt shakes and gyrations. Her facial expressions were a bit scary, but she nailed the rest...literally.

Contestant #3- backed out citing that she wasn't drunk enough.

Contestant #4- had a jealous boyfriend that didn't feel like sharing his girl with a bunch of toothless locals screaming, "Show us your tits" and "Shake it slut".

Contestant #5- A cute blonde wearing tiny, white jean shorts and a hoodie. She looked wholesome in a trashy sort of way. (Think Brittany Spears at age 15 or 16) As soon as the music started, she pulled her hair out of her messy bun and unzipped her hoodie to reveal a satin corset. (Think Brittany Spears now) I was too flabbergasted by the fashion faux pas of white jean shorts and satin corset combo to anticipate the performance. As soon as she did her first pole trick, we knew that this wasn't her first rodeo. The second swing down the pole left her to do what whores call "ground work" or "a floor routine". She was in a mid-kneeling backbend when both of her boobs popped out of the corset. I don't think she read the rules citing that nudity was grounds for disqualification, and the boys around the dance floor weren't about to fill her in on that detail. She continued to dance, writhe, and shake it/them like a polaroid picture(s).
At the end of the performance, she popped both perfect spheres back into her top, found and zipped up her hoodie, and sauntered off, sure of her victory. I felt bad having to disqualify her but not bad enough to give her the victory and the $250 purse that went to the winner.

Later in the car, I was taking a bunch of drunken friends home and told them about my remorse for having to DQ the blonde on account of her exposure. The conversation went as follows:

Me: I feel sorry for that girl. She went all out and didn't win the money
Drunk guy in the back: (slurring) Dooon't youuu worrry bout her. Shezz a hostess in some fancy restaurant.
Me: That doesn't make her rich. She obviously needed the money or wanted it very badly.
Drunk guy in the back: Nooope. Her daddy is a millionaire. I'm not suuure which, but he either was a guy that hugged her too much or didn't hug her neeearly enough. The hugging ratio is veeery important with giiirrrlls.