FlavaFlav and the Walking Blues

Sometimes when you are set up on a blind date, you wonder if your friends even like you. Most blind dates with Mormons seem to be my friends thinking, you’re old and single and I know someone else that is also old and single...hmm...I think I’ll hook you both up because you have so much in common since you’re both aged and lonely. I think I need to remind people that being old and single aren’t my only criteria for dating. I like it when my friends and acquaintances have prefaced blind dates/meetings by saying, “He’s just a really great guy and you will probably end up being friends.” This, to me, is a major disclaimer. This means that they realize their friend isn’t up to my standards, but think I may be desperate enough to go for it anyway.

My meeting/date on Thursday was just this type of event. A friend of mine in California told me about this “great guy” here in Salt Lake that I had to meet. He was described as tall, Mormon, and single. I knew then that it was going to be a bust, but what else do I have to do; I found a couch, and my shoes are already organized by color and heel size.

My date said we were going to an outdoor concert downtown and then to dinner. He picked me up and I knew it was going to be bad. He had large sideburns and that little patch of hair under his lip that I think is called a flavor savor. Just for the sake of ease, we’ll call him FlavaFlav.

Since I’m a list lover, I’ll go ahead and highlight the favorite parts of the evening:

1. In the car ride over to the concert FlavaFlav gave me the laundry list of the dozens of things he was allergic to. Why do people feel the need give you a list of all their defects up front? All this says to me is, “Here are reasons why we should never have children.” When people do this, I think to myself, Wow, I want my kids to be able get in the grass without breaking out in hives and eat ice cream without their throats closing up.

2. FlavaFlav and I went to an outdoor concert in the middle of downtown. We sat on some cement steps and he kept moving closer and closer. He talked so close that every time he said something with a hard consonant sound, I could feel the breath of his words and spittle hitting my face. I kept scooting sideways on the step and leaning back, but it didn’t do any good. Within an hour we had slowly moved almost three feet to the left. I know that many of you were thinking the music was so loud that this close talking was probably necessary. Let me assure you that it wasn’t that loud.

3. He had a lisp. You could tell that he had been through many years of speech therapy, but when he got real excited tell a story, all that training when right out the window. Example from his recent trip to the coast:“And the wave wath tho big that I could hardly thurf." (I'm well aware that because I'm making fun of someone with a lisp, I'm going to have lisping children. As another side note, isn't it ironic that someone with a lisp probably couldn't pronounce the word "lisp" correctly?)

4. He prefaced most of his jokes by saying, “No one ever finds this one funny, but I’m going to tell it anyway.” I felt like telling him, “If no one else found your joke funny, chances are that it isn’t funny.” When one of my jokes falls flat, no matter how funny I think it is, I stop telling it. The point of a joke is to entertain others, not yourself. I would share one of the jokes, but they really were that bad.

5. By the time dinner was over, I was barely speaking. If you know me, you must realize what a bad sign this is. When the check came, I decided to put my credit card in for my half because I didn’t ever plan on seeing him again. Mostly, girls pretend to get their wallets out when the bill arrives to prove that they are willing to pay their portion. In my experience, boys always wave your credit card away saying that they’ve got the check…Not Flavaflav. He didn’t even flinch. He took my card and put it in with the check. I’m not sure if he realized that this was the nail in the coffin.

6. Finally, when he dropped me off he said he had a present for me. I was expecting the usual flowers or chocolate that comes with some first dates, but was shocked when he handed me a pedometer. This is one of those little contraptions that counts the number of steps you take in a day. I was speechless, for the first time in my life. Was he implying that I needed to take more steps in my day? Was he just that retarded that he assumed this would be an appropriate first date gift? Did he just realize he forgot to bring flowers and realized he had a pedometer in his console that might make a great gift substitute? I don’t know the answer to these questions.

7. He left my house and I assumed he had just as awful of a time as I did. There was obviously no connection, he let me pay for my own dinner, I had stopped talking about an hour prior to him dropping me off, and he even got an awkward half-hug at the door because I didn’t want to touch my boobs to his chest or to get too close to him for fear of an attempted kiss. Just after I kicked off my shoes, I heard my phone beep with a text message from him. It stated that he had a great time and wanted to get together again soon. HUH?!!!

All in all, I find myself a little confused by the whole outing. I wonder if I’m ready to date in Utah again. Dating can be exhausting and a little sad. In fact, my most recent dates have only given me great stories, some amazing pictures, the false belief that I’m pretty dang normal, and a new, handy pedometer.