Redneck Revolution

Since moving to Utah, I haven't had much to look forward to. I have had an occasional bad date, lots of reading, and plenty of nap and down time. This week was different. I found out Tuesday that they were having a Demolition Derby in a small town near Salt Lake. If you've never been to a Demo Derby, you haven't lived.
One of the greatest pastimes of Americans is watching other peoples' accidents. It doesn't matter if it is someone falling down the stairs or someone wrecking their car on the side of a freeway. We love blowing things up, destroying things, and watching people hurt or make asses of themselves. I've always held a certain degree of respect for rednecks and their ability to hone in on these simple pleasures. Who else could have brought us bull riding? Who else would make their children wear such styles as the mullet and the rat tail? A demolition derby is the crowning jewel in the belt buckle of stupidity. I love them. Picture dozens of rednecks in a variety of dilapidated vehicles. They decorate their cars as only rednecks can, with duct tape, spray paint, and bailing wire. I bet they even have a fistfight or a spitting contest to determine who gets to be car number 69. Then, they go into a dirt lot and then ram each other continually until the cars can no longer function. The last car running wins. This description doesn't do the event justice. A demolition derby has better people-watching than Six Flags at closing time.
Anyway...I have been counting down the hours till I could finally put my hair in a banana clip and don my half-shirt and daisy dukes for the occasion. I called one of my two friends here today and asked what time he wanted to head out, and he informed me that the tickets were all sold out on the internet today.
WHAT!!!???!!

Number One: How do you sell out a demolition derby? You just back up more trucks on the sidelines and get on people's shoulders to see better.

Number Two: When did rednecks start selling demolition tickets online? This is total crap; this goes against everything holy! Rednecks don't even have full sets of teeth; how can they possibly have the internet? My connection is spotty at best here in Salt Lake. (Of course it really isn't my connection. It belongs to some neighbor named Hazed and only works in one room of the house next to the window, but that is beside the point.)

So yea...I will have to save the banana clip for another day. I'm so upset. I guess I'll just go to the dollar movie theater and see what is showing. The people watching isn't great, but it is a wee bit entertaining to see what all people will shove in purses to bring into the theater. Last time I went, some guy reached into his wife's purse pulled out two 40 oz beers, a couple of hamburgers, and full can of Pringles.

You stay classy Salt Lake!