I'll Be Back...

I have piles of grading to do before tomorrow, which means that it’s time to procrastinate and write another blog.

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to start making myself go to the gym a minimum of 4 days a week. Yes, this was one of my more shallow goals. I promise that all my other goals were about giving money away and helping needy children.
Anyways, back to the gym. There is a guy at the gym that makes it near impossible for me to attend 4 days a week. I know what you all are thinking, and no, this isn’t because Virginia embarrassed herself in front of yet another guy. This is a guy that I affectionately refer to as The Juice Monkey. You’ve all probably known a guy just like him at the gym. I’ll describe him to you so you can get a better picture. He’s tall, freakishly large muscles, creates his own tank tops using old t-shirts and scissors, walks around like the owns the gym, has horrible weight lifting form, and grunts when he lifts anything over 50lbs. There’s always at least one or two of these guys at every gym I’ve been to, and, up in till now, I’ve been able to politely ignore them. The problem with The Juice Monkey is that he doesn’t just grunt, he practically screams when he starts lifting heavy weights. It is so loud, I kid you not, that I can hear him 20 yards away over my death-metal music on my iPod. (Okay, I don’t listen to death metal, but it sounds better than saying that I’m listening to Brittany Spears or Beyonce at top volume. Don’t judge me!) I’ve met people at parties, church, and on airplanes (okay just one plane) that find out I work out at the Trolly Square 24-hour Fitness and they ask me if I’ve seen the guy that screams when he works out. He is famous around here.

So now when I work out, I can’t stop obsessing about him. When he screams, I want to hit him in the face because it is so annoying. It interrupts the only de-stressing time I get in my whole day. I once even got the courage up to walk by him and put my finger to my lips and shush him. I think he called me a bitch under his breath and went on screaming. I’ve taken to thinking up various ways that I can silence him. I’ve become really obsessive about it.

Possible Juice Monkey Silencers:

1. The Nice Approach: Tell him I’ve noticed that he’s really big and working hard and I’d appreciate it if he’d just tone it down a little. (This is my least favorite)

2. The Peer Pressure Approach: Tell him that his behavior is so outrageous that everyone is constantly talking about what a tool he is. People call him The Juice Monkey behind his back and some even go to the other 24-hour fitness to avoid his screams.

3. The Cheerleader Approach- Make small posters for everyone in the gym that say SHUT UP on them. When he screams, I’ll give the go-ahead and everyone in the whole gym will stop what they are doing and raise their signs in his direction. (This one will take a lot of planning and convincing, but I think it would totally work.)

4. The Modeling Behavior Approach- Get a bunch of really small guys to go lift the exact same amount of weight he is doing, but have them all do it quietly right next to him.

5. The Copycat Approach- When he is on a machine screaming, I’ll go up and ask if I can work in a set with him. I’ll set my weight at something like 10 or 20lbs and then scream really loudly, just like he does. I’ll also try to make the veins pop out in my neck while I’m lifting and screaming. (This is my favorite!)

Please let me know if you can think of any other suggestions that I’ve overlooked. I’m seriously going to do one of these in the next few weeks. It is driving me beyond distraction at the gym and I must get skinny before spring break.