It's Only a Date Faulker

I know it has been a long time since my last installment. Truthfully, I just haven’t been on any dates to write about. I was talking to Betsy yesterday and informed her that I finally had a date, so I’d hopefully get a good story out of it. I wish I had no story though.

My date seemed nice enough. I met him at a church party this past weekend and he got my number. We were doing the typical dinner date on a Wednesday night. During dinner he spilled his guts about his years of drug addictions and his return to church in the past year. When asked what kinds of drugs he did, he went into detail about all the pain killers, acid, coke, meth, and crack. I’ve never even known someone that did crack before, so this was a whole new world for me. How does someone keep a straight face while eating a salad when their date announces that they did crack for a certain period of time in their life?

After dinner, he said he wanted to show me his remodeled house and give me a chance to meet his dog. It seemed harmless enough. When we got to his house, we talked, shared stories and watched his little mutt do all of her tricks. At one point I got up and my date tried to tickle me. I’m not a fan of being tickled because it makes me spaz out. When he started tickling me, I tried to wrestle him off and wound up putting him in a headlock. He reared up and we both fell backwards on a chair with a metal armrest. It was one of those retro chairs and the armrest was a thick pieces of metal with a 90degree angle on it. He fell on top of me and my back hit the armrest...HARD. I’m not sure what it feels like to be stabbed, but I think I now have a pretty good idea. I had the wind knocked out of me and I lay on the floor mouthing silent screams while tears welled up in my eyes. My date panicked and started asking me if I was okay. When I finally got my breath back, I whispered, “I’m not dead yet, but I’m very badly hurt.” I tried to start moving around and it became very apparent that I had broken a couple of ribs. I consider myself pretty tough; one has to be when you’re as clumsy as I am. I’m not exaggerating when I say that this is the most pain I’ve ever been in in my whole life.

Luckily this is the only time in my entire adult life when I don’t have medical insurance. The new school I work at told me that I’d have to wait two months for the insurance to kick in. As an added bonus, I don't know a single doctor or person that could help me that lives in the area. Sooooo…I had my date bring me home crying. All I could find when I got home was a few aspirin, which would be like putting Neosporin on a broken arm. My recently recovered drug-addict of a date couldn’t even get a hold of a hydrocodine. What kind of drug addict are you when you don’t have at least a few pills lying around the house or a friendly junkie that could hook you up? Anyway, my sister’s friend was able to spot me a few pills and now here I sit, bandaged, grimacing, and telling yet another horrible date story. I’ve called a few doctors, gave them my symptoms, and they all said it was definitely a few broken or cracked ribs. The good thing is that when you wrap your lower torso tightly with an ace bandage to hold the ribs in place, it makes your boobs look huge. I know...I'm such a Pollyanna.

I hate Utah! Honestly, who breaks ribs on a first date?